What would exist if nothing ever existed? Because the "nothing" is also created by us

My childhood's main questions

As a child, I absolutely enjoyed isolating myself and feeling the silence for seemingly an eternity. I had a very curious mind; I loved to observe everything. In the backyard, I used to play with a magnifying glass I believed was magical, and I trusted that, if I looked through it, I could see things from other worlds. I would spend long periods of time observing the ants under the olive tree, watching how they lived, how they moved, and sometimes I wished I was one of them. I wondered why I had to live this life I had instead. I would go up to the roof of the grill in the backyard and spend a long time looking at the sky and the clouds, waiting and waiting. Those moments meant magic and, at he same time, torture. I asked myself a lot of questions. I would begin by wondering what would there be beyond the clouds. What would there be if the force that created us wouldn't exist? What would there be instead if there were no problems? Who had invented them? Who had invented money? What if we didn’t need it? What if there wasn’t evil, hatred or fighting? I imagined that all these things would not exist if the people and the world we knew did not exist either.

And slowly, I would leave the roof towards a dark place, outside the planet Earth that seemed inert and devoid of all known; however, I still felt that I was present, that there was "something". So from there, I asked myself the same thing again: what would there be if there was no force that guides me to ask myself these questions? What if I wouldn't be floating out here looking at an empty planet that perhaps doesn't exist? Because I was aware that we gave all the names to the things, we are the owners of those creations. I wondered what would there be if nothing existed? And I always reached that limit in which the answer was nothing, nothingness itself, but "nothingness" is also created by people. We gave it that name, we categorized something as "nothing", and what would "nothing" be except the absence of an "everything". But that "everything" is our creation too. That's how I spent my childhood naptime, a super nice way to consume my hours, right?

As a result, even in that space I would reached with my imagination, mind or soul during those hours, I couldn’t see “the absolute nothingness”. And I craved to know what it would have been like if the Catholic God about whom we were taught in school had never been, or if the reasons to fight had never existed, or if the people or the planet Earth had never ever appeared. But I always only reached that dark space, a place that was black yet very peaceful, and I couldn’t go any further. It was inexplicable to me, it was weird; it is even weirder to know that those questions crossed my mind when I was so young. It was magical, yes, because I felt like I was flying and that I was aware of infinite wisdom, however, after arriving there over and over again, I ended up frustrated for not finding the answers I seeked, and for having to go back to "normal" life and, quite frequently, it bothered me to feel that I was the only girl in the world who, at 7 or 8 years old, preferred to be alone in order to think, instead of going out to play as evrybody else. - Balance

I was educated in religious schools, catholics. These kinds of magical episodes like those described above, or my searches for goblins and witches in the yard, had begun long before. According to my memories, I was no more than 5 years old when I would go out to the garden of one of the many houses where I lived, sat on a damp log and stared at a corner where there was a tree, waiting for the Virgin of Lourdes to appear to me. Undoubtedly, something inside me assured me of the existence of the supernatural, but I also understand that I was deeply influenced by education.

How damaging are those religious concepts and beliefs imposed on a little head that was just forming, that barely knew what a human being was in such an immense and lost society. For many people, my spiritual experiences would be labeled as psychological disorders, whereas for others, would be the realization that a special being resided within my body as a little girl. I choose to believe the latter. I always felt like an older being, very old soul in the body of a little girl, and then in the body of a teenager. And so on, until you find me here today...

Click to get a short version of my book "Balance"